“It’s not fair! He always sits in the front seat/has his favourite TV programme on/gets to stay up later...” What parent hasn’t heard some version of that wail?
Often we end up thinking where did I go wrong? But jealousy between children in the same family is all quite normal. It’s part and parcel of growing up although often parents can’t understand what their children are fighting about.
The older child
It is natural for a child to want all his parent’s attention. Children do and will compete with each other so what parents have to do is make sure each child feels special whatever their place in the family.
We have to be prepared for a first child to resent the arrival of a second - however sensitively we prepare him for the event.
A first child has had your undivided attention and although he might be delighted at the prospect of a new brother or sister to play with the reality is that his mother will have to spend a lot of time with the new arrival who, in his eyes, is not much fun to be with.
The usual two to three year gap between children favoured by so many couples is actually the worst for generating sibling rivalry. A smaller gap means the child is often too young to have staked his claim to priority. The greater the number of years between the children the less likelihood there is of rivalry and jealousies. A child of five or more has her own friends and probably a very defined social life. This doesn’t mean to say of course that there is never any rivalry.
The younger sibling
It is often assumed that jealousy comes from the older, displaced child but his is not always so. Many younger children resent the fact that their older brother or sister is allowed more privileges, gets all the new clothes etc. Just as his older sibling has to learn to share his parents’ attention, so younger children need to know that they can’t stay up as late, and have to wait until they are older to join a club/go to school/stay overnight with a friend.
A younger child may be constantly trying to do what his older sibling can do, to catch up with him. This can have beneficial effects for the younger child and act as a spur for the older.
However some younger children opt out of the competition and act “babyish” in order attract and claim mum’s attention. This may be especially true when there is a middle child who, in turn, resents his younger sibling.
Learning to share
Children have to be encouraged to share both attention and resources. Toys and space are often the subject of dispute by younger children. One remedy is to have named toy boxes or separate shelves or cupboards and permission is sought before something is removed.
When a bedroom is shared, it’s a sensible idea to try and make some division so that each child is aware of their own territory. This helps when one is tidy and the other isn’t - it’s easy to see whose mess it is! A few ground rules like this can make for a less fraught time.
Every child should feel loved and important. If you can make some time to spend alone with each child on a daily basis (or weekly perhaps if you’re a working mum) it will improve your relationship and be a boost to the children’s self esteem, hopefully reducing sibling rivalries.
Our two daughters, 12 and 16, share a room but they fight constantly and when they're not doing that they're moaning to us about each other. It would be best if we could separate them but at the moment that's simply not a possibility. I just don't know how to get them to be nice to each other, or even how to get them to leave each other alone. I feel the younger one goes out of her way to upset her older sister, but then I also know that the older one can be horrid to her sister. It's starting to feel like an impossible situation.
Sibling rivalry and family relationships are the bedrock of so much of our media. A Tale of Two Sisters, a novella by Anne Coates explores family situations and how we can misinterpret what is happening. Plus there are two short stories included both dealing with very different family situations.
Fergus The Furball by Emily Snape is a funny novel which explores everything from sibling rivalry to shapeshifting. A great book for independent readers, writes Anne Coates.
Sibling rivalry and family relationships are the bedrock of so much of our media. A Tale of Two Sisters, a novella by Anne Coates explores family situations and how we can misinterpret what is happening.
Anne Coates A Tale of Two Sisters – novella and two short stories – is on a special offer price of just 99p on Amazon. See what other readers had to say about these storeis of family relationships and sibling rivalry.
The English National Ballet's second production in the My First ... series opened yesterday at the Peacock Theatre in London. Anne and Harriet Coates were there to see the stunning adaptation on My First Cinderella.
Lesley Lodge, a parent of three puzzlingly different offspring, looks for explanations in nurtureshock: why everything we think about raising our children is wrong by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.
Ask any parent if they have a favourite child and they will almost certainly reply that they treat their children equally. Most do but probe a little deeper and you’ll find that at some time or another one child has indeed been preferred. The trick for parents is to make sure no sibling feels he is either the favourite or is treated less fairly.
My son aged nine has started throwing strops and is taking much longer to come out of them than ever before. He wouldn't play with his four-year-old sister at her party and when I told him he was being selfish, he took a huge huff and stayed in it for nearly an hour. I got angry with him, threatened sanctions, tried being nice - pretty much everything - but all to no avail? Any ideas?
PWT member and mother of three, Sue O'Neill is impressed by Sacha Baveystock's They started it! How to help your kids get on - a guide to reducing sibling rivalry.
My son is six years old and he's quite a quiet little thing. He's a bit of a worrier and although he has friends at school he's prone to keeping himself to himself. He's certainly not as full of beans as his older sister (she's nine now) was when she was his age. There's no reason that I can put my finger on for why he's this way but any advice will be gratefully received.
Fantastic magnetic shapes which actually increase in value as children get older and it's certainly fun for adults to join in with as Anne Coates discovered, playing with her granddaughter Lizzie.
Creating stability for children during divorce requires planning, communication, and practical solutions. These ensure both households operate clearly, allowing children to maintain their routines and relationships.
Whether your taste is for Mexican, Italian or French food, here are four restaurant chains offering a free child's meal when an adult orders a main course – valid throughout the school summer holidays.
Helen Little reviews this lagoon shaped pool which is large enough for all the family to enjoy if you have adequate room in your garden. The Bestway Pool is available from BM Stores.
Looking for somewhere to take the kids without breaking the bank? City farms are often free – or they ask for a donation – and offer families opportunities for wonderful interactions with a range of animals and birds.
Health Optimisation Summit explores the latest innovations, trends, and strategies in health and performance. Founder Tim Gray reveals his top health tips for making the most of your vacations.
Active Leah is a cuddly doll which says Mama, makes sucking noises when fed, burps, cries and sleeps after being gently rocked – a dream doll for toddlers and young children, writes Anne Coates.
Teddy Keen, editor and compiler of The Lost Book of Adventure, discovered the works and illustrations of The Unknown Adventurer in a sealed metal container in a remote hut on the banks of Jari River. Review by Christine Mayle.
Dr Emma Derbyshire who headed a new research review published in the journal of Gynaecology and Women’s Health Research, explains the benefits of Ubiqinol especially if you are struggling to conceive.
The Surprise Box doubles as a vending machine, adding to the excitement for slime enthusiasts. Natasha Da Souza's two daughters, loved discovering what was contained in each of the 20 golfball sized containers.
Ruth Ewing, pregnant with her first baby, takes inspiration and reassurance from this collection of birth stories shared by 30 women from the US, Canada, and the UK collected by Claire Fulton. Not all deliveries go to plan but all end on a positive note.
Puzzles, matching and recognising shapes are a precursor to learning to read and these lovely wooden animals offer a fun and educational way to begin recognising the alphabet for toddlers and young children. Review by Anne Coates.
The UK Global Health Insurance Card (GHIC) replaces the existing EHIC and can be used to get necessary state healthcare in the European Economic Area (EEA), and some other countries, on the same basis as a resident of that country.
Play is vital for fostering creativity, physical development, social skills, and emotional wellbeing. But sometimes, even exciting games can become less engaging. Here are simple ways from TP Toys to every game more enjoyable for everyone.
This set of 12 mini colouring books from Vibe Better range in subjects varying from food and holidays to aliens and cats in hats – all of them engaging and fun as well as aiding concentration, writes Anne Coates.
As part of a new menu launch, Frankie & Benny’s are introducing five seriously indulgent burgers and to celebrate they’re giving away a staggering £100,000 worth of burgers absolutely free. Get your voucher code now.
Butterfly Conservation's Big Butterfly Count runs from 18 July to 10 August and is completely free to take part in. Plus, there's a family fun pack full of activities for all ages, come rain or shine, that's sure to keep active imaginations occupied.
Three great books for older readers – adventure and romance: Alice with a Why by Anna James illustrated by Matthew Land; Amelia, if Only by Becky Albertalli and Rewind to us by Molly Morris. Perfect summer reading and gifts.
Clara Kervyn, Physiotherapist, Pilates, and Musculoskeletal specialist and Elyn Marwick, Personal Trainer, Coach and Functional Fitness Specialist advise on what to do when you're suffering pain in your feet and ankles.
In summertime, a family's thoughts turn to paddling pools and here's one which doesn't have to be inflated, won't be be punctured by animal claws, is made from slip-proof material and has eco friendly drainage – well done Peteast.
Parenting Without Tears has teamed up with Zapf Creation UK to offer readers the chance of winning one of their fabulous toys: BABY born doll, BABY born My Cat Cookie, Splish Splash Surfing Berta and Splish Splash Swimming Emma.
Frontier Publishing introduces, Ava Spark: Hello I’m Here!is the first in a brand new young fiction series, following life through the eyes of ten-year-old Ava Spark as she navigates the trials and tribulations of home, school, friendships and family.
These HECCEI sunglasses are perfect for toddlers – a lightweight nylon frame which is ergonomically designed for small faces and which changes colour in the sunshine while offering protection from both UVA and UVB rays.